Freely Forgiven

Every Tuesday we’ll be posting an article about restoring and strengthening marriages that have been damaged by sexual sin. Hope it’s helpful.

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Freely Forgiven

“A happy marriage is made up of two good forgivers.” – Robert Quillen

It’s discouraging to hear a couple say they want to improve their marriage, then continue to rehash each other’s sins. You can put the car in drive or reverse, but not both, and certainly not at the same time. If you want to keep the upper hand by repeating your partner’s past transgressions, go ahead and kick the car into reverse. If you want to forgive and move forward, shift to drive. But pick a gear, one gear, because you can’t have both.

I know that for many couples, a primary issue is the behavior of one (often the husband) who’s committed a particularly serious sin. His reformation – stopping the porn use, breaking off the adulterous relationship, putting the bottle down – has to happen before there can be any other progress. In that case, the wife is right and wise to lay down boundaries, clarifying what she will or won’t tolerate, and insisting that tangible checks and balances be put in place to help ensure the behavior won’t be repeated. She may honestly say she doesn’t trust her man, and that he needs to rebuild credibility with her by showing consistency over time. She may feel angry and wounded, needing time to heal, and she may need to express how much pain he’s caused her. None of this means she hasn’t forgiven; all of it means the marriage is in recovery.

But there’s quite a difference between honest expression of pain and endless, needless repetition of past wrongs. At some point the pain will fade, and references to the sin that caused it need to fade as well. Because if they don’t, the couple is likely to get into a cycle that can last for years, even decades, and erode any chance for real health and vibrancy in the marriage.

Here’s how I’ve seen it play out:

Party A does something terrible, so Party B is seriously hurt and very angry. Party A repents and begins reforming his behavior, but Party B keeps bringing up the Terrible Thing Party A did. At first Party A tells himself, “She’s got a right to her anger. Be patient, it’ll get better.”

But it doesn’t. Party B keeps bringing up the Terrible Thing randomly, often, and sometimes openly in front of the kids or others. Party A feels less humble and more irate, remembering how often Party B has sinned in her own ways. Now Party A sees Party B as hypocritical and power hungry, so he pushes back. Party B is outraged (“how dare you even think of pointing out my sin after what you’ve done?”) and Party A’s heart hardens even more. They’re no longer a team working together; they’re two separate teams vying for a win. And, of course, they’re both losing.

If you’re not good at forgiving, you’re not good at marriage. Because to join yourself to someone is to bond with that person’s faults as well as her/his virtues, and considering the number of faults you have as well, there’s gotta be a clash. Several clashes. And by now I honestly believe that marriages generally aren’t made or broken by the severity of the sins a partner commits, but by the level of forgiveness each is willing to extend.

Forgiveness makes sense for practical reasons. The unforgiven spouse isn’t likely to function well, knowing he’s perpetually in the dog house. His heart will withdraw, his love will cool, and what was a relationship will soon be a ghost town. The unforgiving spouse, in turn, suffers spiritual callousness by repeatedly violating Christ’s command to forgive, and her own heart and life will be perpetually darkened. Both the Sinner and the Judge are doomed.

So if I’m doing a checkup on my marriage, while asking myself if we’re having regular devotions, keeping our intimacy alive, and generally showing affection and respect, I’ll also need to check the “Forgiveness” column. Because the multitude of hurts inflicted on both parties in the best of marriages can, if unforgiven, become artery-cloggers, setting the union up for one whale of a stroke. God grant that all of us who are husbands or wives will regularly seek and receive His forgiveness, and, in light of the enormity of our own faults, willingly relinquish any right to punish our spouses for theirs.

To error is human. To forgive is a “duh.”