You Want Her to Trust You Again?

Here are four steps I recommend to my clients, each of which can help rebuild what’s been broken.

1. Come Clean

Here’s a classic scenario: wife catches husband doing porn, then asks how long he’s been doing it. Knowing it’s a years-long habit but deeply ashamed, he only admits to what she already knows, as in, ‘You caught me while I was doin’ it for the first time, Honey.’ Problem is, wives usually know intuitively when their men lie, so the wife in this case will have a gut reaction saying ‘uh-uh; he’s covering up.’ So the cycle starts. She asks again, pressing for an honest answer; he defensively digs his heels in; she’s unconvinced; he, knowing he’s been lying, is now doubly afraid to admit to both the degree of his sexual sin and his dishonesty about it. It’s a miserable life for both, and needlessly so. Coming completely clean about the behavior, its’ frequency and duration is hard, sure. But choosing between the hardness of her eventually finding out you’ve been lying (and she will, trust me) versus the hardness of coming clean now shouldn’t be too tough of a call.

2. Show Humility

Don’t just admit your wrongdoing; show her that it matters to you that you did it. Express some remorse, and let her know you’re feeling pain. Now’s not the time to get defensive, because that sends her all the wrong messages. She needs to know that you take this, and her, seriously. So now, more than ever, a little servanthood will go a long way.

3. Have a Plan

“I’m sorry” is a great start, as is the humility of expressing your remorse and love. But that will only go so far, because the obvious question “So what are you gonna do to see this doesn’t happen again?” needs to be answered. So figure it out. Plan out how you’re going to insure the problem isn’t repeated, and be specific. Who do you need to talk to? What sort of accountability is called for? What preventive steps need to be taken? Plan it, then pass your plans on to her. She needs to know what they are, and when you’ll be acting on them.

4. Take the Initiative

I work with grown Christian men who are perfectly capable of seeking out their own resources, but guess who, more often than not, calls my office to make the initial appointment? You got it – the same person who buys the recovery books, looks into local seminars and men’s conferences, and locates the nearest support group. And every time I get a call from a wife making an appointment for her husband I want to ask, “If he’s the one with the problem, why isn’t he the one setting this up?” So often, the man who sins lets his wife become Mom, cleaning up her boy’s mess and marching him off to the counselor. He’s shamed into passivity, and she’s energized into a maternal approach towards her wayward delinquent. And that kind of pattern spells doom to a marriage.

So don’t let that be said of you. You be the one taking the initiative to get the help you need, set aside the devotional time for the two of you to pray and read scripture together, and talk about the problem at hand and what to do about it. Show her you have a zeal to make this right, rather than a non-committal willingness to jump through hoops. She needs to see that you’re pumped to get back on track, and, in seeing that, she’s that much more likely to feel her own confidence in you grow.

She needs her man to be a man, and to be hers alone. She deserves that. So now’s the time to deliver on the promises you made when you committed it all to her, and only to her.