Left Behind: The Emotional Aftermath

Renee Dallas

Please Note: My lovely wife Renee has agreed to do a three part series for us, concluding with next week’s post. Read Part 1: “Left Behind: The Problem” and Part 3: “Hope Floats.”

—

Left Behind: The Emotional Aftermath

(Part Two of a Three Part Series by Renee Dallas.)

To be abandoned is to be hurt, and completely bewildered. The “hurt” part is obvious, because being left behind can’t help but be painful. But the “bewilderment” part is something I think a lot of men just don’t get. But believe me, the decisions guys make can be awfully confusing to the women.  For instance, how often do guys meet a girl, get something started, then disappear without an explanation? Or break off a relationship abruptly, sometimes even by text? The reasons for doing all this may be obvious to the man, but not at all clear to the lady involved. So is it any wonder there’s an emotional reaction on her part? And all the more so if the woman who’s abandoned is the wife of the abandoner.

Now, there are lots of ways to abandon someone. You can literally leave the person, or you can emotionally “check out”, going into your own world and excluding her from it. Or you can sexually abandon a wife by putting your sexual energy into fantasy (pornography), or someone or something else, leaving her devastated and broken. In all cases, she’s been left behind, and it’s no wonder she’s going to react, and typically, in one of three ways I mentioned in last week’s post: Controlling Behavior, Hyper-Vigilance, and Clingy Behavior. Let’s look at each of these today, and see if there’s a healthier way for both the man and wife to cope.

The Over Controlling Wife

The over-controlling wife often feels that everything will spin out of control if she doesn’t stay on top of it. She trusted her man, and he betrayed her trust by looking at porn or committing adultery or whatever. His sin becomes her wound, and she never (I mean never!) wants to go through that pain again. So she figures that the best way to avoid a repeat of it is for her to keep such a tight rein on her husband that he’ll not be able to hurt her again. So she lays down all kinds of laws. She dictates where he can go, what he can watch on television, and who he can hang out with. He goes along with it, often because he feels so guilty he’s willing to do whatever it takes to make it right. But he also resents being treated like a child, and so the marriage suffers.

In this case, she needs to realize she can’t control him. She can and should establish boundaries, but if she hovers over him like a mother, she may win the battle but lose the war. That is, she may keep him from committing the sexual sin again, but she loses his affection and desire for her in the process, by trying too hard to run his life. No man, after all, wants to be married to his mother! It helps for her to begin to look at her marriage as a partnership, one in which there are expectations and roles for each partner. In a partnership she has a right to express her disappointments and set boundaries, but she needs to relax her grip, focusing on taking care of herself and less on controlling him. (See my WifeBoat Just for Today List.)  Of course, as in any partnership, he can certainly help this along by making sure he takes necessary steps to rebuild her trust and respects what he has put her through.

The Hyper-Vigilant Wife

The hyper-vigilant wife doesn’t just try to control everything, she just wants to know everything! Since she got left in the dark when her husband kept his sin a secret from her, she’s determined never to be ignorant of her man’s private life again. So when he comes home looking for a wife, he gets an interrogator. She wants to know it all – what was he thinking about today, did he look at any other women, who did he talk to, and why is he three and a half minutes late?

She’s right in wanting to insist on no more deep dark secrets in their marriage, but grilling him will never produce the results she wants.  Getting all the details isn’t always the most helpful- it can lead to unhealthy and even obsessive comparisons with other women, and can inhibit healthy relating with her husband. Instead, I’d suggest that she and her husband discuss what their “disclosure” policies are going to be. What will he tell her every week about his progress? Will she have an open invitation to ask him about his thought life? Are any subjects off limits? These are questions they can negotiate as a couple, and in establishing some clearer guidelines and expectations, she can relax a bit.  He, both by disclosing what’s appropriate and showing humble patience with her as she heals, can be a part of her healing. For more details on how to do this, please see Joe’s post on State of the Union Address.

The Clingy Wife

The Clingy wife can’t get enough reassurance. She can vacillate between pain and anger over seeing her man choose someone else, whether an image or a real woman, over her. She never wants to feel “second” in his life again, and she craves constant reminders that he still finds her attractive, lovable, and important. So she lets her insecurity drive her and him crazy by clutching him, chasing him, and in essence, smothering him. This can backfire, causing her husband to react by distancing himself from her, or even dismissing her altogether—sort of a cycle of chasing, dismissing, anger.  He can help by taking some initiative to verbally reassure her (without her asking for it),  by showing physical affection, carving out special one on one time for her, and making weekly efforts to remind her, in words and action, how important she is to him and how grateful he is to have her for his mate.

I know these women. In some ways I’ve been all of them, partially because of my own experiences. (For my testimony, click here) But by God’s grace I’ve learned I can do, and be, better. And that’s what I wish for any woman who’s been through the pain of betrayal.

Next week I’ll talk about the role our relationship with God plays in our recovery from this pain. Hope you’ll join us next Tuesday!

MORE:

Read Part 1: “Left Behind: The Problem“

Read Part 3: “Hope Floats“