My Worst Side

We usually know what we can do, but temptation shows us who we are.

-Thomas a Kempis

          If I were to describe everything I’m tempted to do, I’d lose all credibility.

Not that anyone thinks I’m above temptation, of course. But the nature of the temptations that hit me at times is so base, so ugly and contrary to everything I stand for, that I’m sure many people who once took me seriously would, if they knew the thoughts I sometimes get, write me off, and I wouldn’t  blame them. Things that are unclean, violent, narcissistic or downright cruel can, God help me, seem very appealing during weak moments, and I shudder to think of the lines I’m tempted to cross, the brutal things I’m tempted to say, the harm I’m tempted to do.

And the fact I say “no” to them doesn’t diminish the horror of the other fact – while saying” no”, there are also parts of me that really want to say “yes.” Otherwise they wouldn’t be temptations, would they?

So Kempis had it right. Temptation shows us who we are, because it underscores the unattractive truth that what we are attracted to, we are capable of, and what we are capable of is often what we think, or want to think, we’re immune to. Three points stand out to me when considering this.

First, temptation tells me what I’m capable of, making me more watchful.

I’m convinced one of the most basic and overwhelming of all human problems is our capacity to kid ourselves. Way too often we see ourselves not as we are, but as we wish to be. I noticed, for example, once I started losing my hair and gaining weight, I learned to look at myself in the mirror a whole new way. (And some of you know exactly what I mean!) Certain angles are more flattering than others, emphasizing the body areas we like and minimizing what we’d rather ignore.

And that’s how many of us view our souls, seeing ourselves as healthier and holier than a more unforgiving angle might reveal. OK, that’s human and so understandable, but it can also set us up for serious failure, causing us to see ourselves as being stronger than we really are. I can’t tell you how many ministers I’ve known who fell for this very reason – they viewed themselves as above certain temptations, so they remained unprepared for them and when they came, Kapow! So when I’m tempted, I need to let the temptation remind me to be watchful – not paranoid, but reasonably careful – about the situations I put myself into, and the boundaries I set for my private life. I simply haven’t arrived, and the moment I think I do, Kapow.

Second, temptation humbles me, making me more considerate.

Moral truth in the hands of someone who doesn’t appreciate human frailty can be awfully dangerous. There are lots of Thou Shalt Nots in scripture, all of which should be taken to heart. But put those commandments in the mouth of someone who’s not in touch with his own humanity, and you’ve got a bone-crushing Pharisee in the making. So if anyone is going to preach against sin – and please, Lord, embolden more people to do just that! – I hope it will be someone who knows a bit about her or his own failures. Because when people without knowledge of their own need for healing start spouting prescriptions for others, the remedy can be worse than the disease. Plenty of sinners have been crushed, not cured, by the self righteous, those who say Don’t Lust, Don’t Lie, Don’t Fail without a trace of compassion for the multitude of weaknesses making us all prone to those very sins we condemn.

So my own temptations, awful as they are, become helpful as reminders that I am not above the sin I condemn, making me able to humbly call for repentance without deluding myself into thinking I can throw the first, second, of thousandth stone.

Finally, temptation proves my new nature, making me grateful and hopeful all at once.

That’s the good news. If not for the new nature He gave me, the one which cannot be satisfied with ongoing sin no matter how great the temptation, there’d really be no struggle, would there? If I weren’t His, carrying His Spirit, then I’d quite comfortably allow myself to indulge any passion I feel. So sure, the fact I’m tempted proves I still struggle with the flesh. But the fact there is such a struggle proves there’s also a spiritual nature born in me which will never be at peace with deliberate sin, so Paul noted, “How shall we who are dead to sin live any longer in it?” (Romans 6:2)

That’s reassuring beyond description. It’s not just that I don’t want to give in to the flesh. It’s also that my new nature will never call a truce. So when the ugliest of desires comes to me, and trust me, it does, I am so comforted to realize my discomfort with those desires is proof not only of who I am, but of Whose I am.

Temptation is a nuisance; a bunch of unwanted ants invading my kitchen and distracting me from other far more important things. But if I can let those blasted ants remind me of the need for humility, grace and gratitude, then hey, so be it. I’m not as good as I want to think I am, nor am I as hopeless as I fear I am. Anything reminding me of both those facts is, in the end, something that may be bad, but has indeed been used for good. So may it be said of all of us that, as Paul observed,  where sin did abound, grace outdid it. (Romans 5:20)