Dinner and a Porn Flick

Some things seem so self-evident, it feels stupid pointing them out.

Does anyone really need to say  “Air is good, so you should breathe” or “Concrete is hard on your stomach, so don’t eat it” or “Porn isn’t good for your marriage, so don’t watch it together?”

No, no, and yes. The air and concrete issues seem universally settled, but the porn question is one I’m hearing with some alarming regularity. I was asked it again this weekend; it’s been coming up more and more over the past few years when I’ve been doing seminars on purity. Someone comes up after I’m finished, identifying as a Christian and saying they and their spouse have been watching X-rated films together to “spice things up” in their marriage. It’s something they’ve come to enjoy, so is that OK, since it enhances their sex life, and it’s just between them?

(This is why you should never say “Now I’ve heard everything.” You haven’t.)

OK, there’s nothing wrong with an honest question, and just because something seems ridiculously obvious to me, that doesn’t justify a snarky attitude because, after all, I also miss things that are ridiculously obvious to other people. So let me rewind and simply say I am concerned to hear that any Christian needs clarity on this, but I’m still glad to offer some. If you’re insulted by my even bringing it up, and feel it’s unnecessary and inapplicable to you, I get it. Please come back for tomorrow’s post. Otherwise, let’s break this down, because you may be asked the same question yourself someday.

First: Sin is no less sinful when committed in tandem.

If it’s wrong to get drunk alone, it’s wrong to get drunk together. If it’s wrong to hate alone, it’s also wrong to have a “hate night” with your sweetheart. What’s wrong for one never becomes right for two.

Second: Lust is sin.

To lust is to covet what’s not rightfully yours, therefore to sexually covet anyone other than one’s spouse is lusting, and Jesus made no bones about the adulterous nature of desiring what you’re not entitled to. (Matthew 5: 27-28) So in light of Point One – “Sin is no less sinful when committed in tandem” – let’s remember no contingency is given in scripture letting a husband off the hook just because he’s doing the coveting in the presence of his wife.

Third: To view porn as husband and wife is to literally introduce third parties into the bedroom.

If lust is adultery of the heart, than the man and wife watching erotic DVD’s together aren’t just using a marital aid. They are, in fact, agreeing to commit adultery in front of each other, jointly introducing other people’s images and passions into their relationship. It’s the same, in principle if not physically, as transporting others into the bedroom for an orgy, then justifying the event as a means of “spicing things up.”

Which raises the whole “spice” issue. Of course, porn arouses its viewers, so I fully believe the couple who says, “We both get awfully turned on by it, which in turn heats our sex life up.” Some even go so far as to say porn saved their marriage because their sex life had dwindled until they tried watching skin flicks, but now, with X-rated assistance, they’re going at it more than ever.

Well, sure. But is the value of sex between man and wife measured by its frequency and intensity? By that standard, we could also advise couples snort methadrene together. I’m pretty sure that will heat things up, get their systems going, and probably turn the bedroom into a marathon arena.

But is that really the goal? If we have an intense experience together, does that mean we were brought closer, or did we simply experience something in each other’s company?  I love roller coasters, intense suckers that they are. And when I ride one seated next to a stranger, I’m sure we could say we had an awfully intense experience together, but I’d never say it brought us closer. Intensity within proximity is a far cry from unity.

And that’s the point. If the physical union has not brought us closer together as man and wife, then it wasn’t good sex, no matter how hot it may have been. Not that there’s anything wrong with “hot” – I mean, what’s happening in the Song of Solomon if not a wonderfully intense, deeply passionate episode? But it’s the mutual closeness, the communication of love and consideration, the celebration of a life partnership, the sense of being more one than ever, that make good sex. If those elements are missing, heat alone can hardly compensate for them. And it certainly can’t replace them.

I’m really heartbroken to hear about Christian couples polluting themselves and defiling their marriage beds with porn. Nothing good can possibly come from it, but so much that’s destructive will. If we’re married, our beloved in this life is singular, not plural; a unique individual we’ve entered into covenant with. Part of that covenant is to care for each other sexually, in an exclusive, tender, beautifully unique bond we create and sustain together. May we never think so little of it, nor of the Creator who formed and defined it, that we poison that bond with corrosive elements like porn. The stuff may feel great, as does heroin. But only a fool justifies a poison by its taste.