The Minimalist

“Men do not differ much about what things they call evils; they differ enormously about what evils they will call excusable.”  – G. K. Chesterton

Over the years I’ve seen too many Christian husbands in my office who’ve perfected the art of minimizing.

I’ll begin by asking, “OK, what brought you here?” Some actual responses
I’ve gotten:

     “I sometimes find myself using porn.”

     “My wife thinks I have a problem.”

     “I’ve made some mistakes in my marriage.”

Let’s do a little translating.

“I sometimes find myself using porn” first minimizes the sin by qualifying it with the word “sometimes” – as though  occasional lust is OK – and anytime you say “I found myself” you’re denying responsibility for what you decided to do, by describing it as something you suddenly “found yourself” doing, as though it mugged you while you were innocently walking down the street.

Your wife “thinks” you have a problem usually means she caught you in the act, she’s upset, you’re here to appease her, but she’s making more out of your sin than she should.

“I’ve made some mistakes” is something you say when you miscalculated your tax returns.  When you view porn, commit adultery, or visit a strip club, you’re not making a mistake, because you know exactly what you’re doing. You’re committing a sin, not a mistake, and the difference between the two isn’t minor.

The Christian husband who’s gotten involved in sexual sin, then had his sin found out, is a man who’s got his work cut out for him. His wife is deeply wounded, enraged, frightened, and mistrustful all at once. He now has a credit problem, and it’ll take him some time to re-establish his credibility with her. And that’s where things get dicey, especially when he minimizes.

I think I understand why he does it. First, if he’s become accustomed to the sin, then it’s lost its shock value to him, so even though he knows it’s wrong, he doesn’t see it as seriously, even outrageously wrong. Second, he knows how much he loves his wife and wouldn’t deliberately hurt her, so he assumes she’ll take that into consideration and not make too big a deal out of his transgression.  Finally, since so many men use porn, patronize sleazy businesses, and commit adultery, he may have even kidded himself into thinking those behaviors are inevitable to all men, and since all men do them, is it really such a big deal?

So in that frame of mind he minimizes both the seriousness of the sin, and its impact on her.

Memo to husband: She’d rather believe you than not, but so long as you simply admit the sin without recognizing how destructive it really is both to her and your marriage, she’ll have a hard time (or an impossible one) trusting you again.

Think of when someone has wronged you, seriously and in ways that left you hurt and furious. If the person who’d done that said to you, “Hey, my bad, sorry!”, you’d know he didn’t get it. He didn’t get how wrong he was, how much damage his actions did, and how important it was for those actions to never be repeated.

Multiply that by a few hundred and you get the picture. The secret sin you grew accustomed to was, in fact, a felony that shocked, bruised, insulted and demeaned her. Anything you say to diminish the seriousness of that will, no doubt, convince her that you still don’t “get it.”

I find there are three things a wife needs to know when her husband has sinned in such a critical way: She needs to know he understands how serious the sin was, how hurtful it was, and how mandatory it is that it never be repeated.

Communicate to her a clear understanding of those three needs, and you’ll go far towards rebuilding the trust in her heart, and the bond in your home.