My Husband Is Having an Affair. What do I do?

"Let him know the situation warrants action in addition to apology."

Every Tuesday we’ll be posting an article about restoring and strengthening marriages that have been damaged by sexual sin. Hope it’s helpful.

“I just found out my husband’s been having an affair. What do I do?”

  1. Make sure he knows that you know, and that you’re requiring him to take immediate action to terminate the relationship with the other party, and to work with you on repairing the damage that’s been done to your marriage. Don’t accept a simple, “Sorry, it won’t happen again.” Instead, let him know the situation warrants action in addition to apology.
  1. Immediately set an appointment with your pastor, or a Christian counselor, or a trusted mentor. As a couple, sit down with this third party and clarify what steps need to be taken to begin restoration. These steps should include:

(a) Ongoing couple’s counseling to address the damage that’s been done and any long term problems that may have existed in your marriage .

(b) Accountability through a group or an individual for your husband to insure he’s taking steps to prevent a repeat of this behavior .

(c)  A safe place – woman’s support group, for example, or your counselor – for you to work out your own feelings, fears and needs while you’re recovering from this blow.

  1. Resist the urge to shame, accuse, or demean him for his actions. His failure may have given you the “upper hand” in your marriage (since he’s the bad guy now) but you’ll suffer for it in the end if you use your pain as an occasion to emotionally beat him up. Be honest about your anger and hurt, by all means, but avoid name calling, humiliating, or denigrating him to other people or your children. In the end, you’ll deeply regret that sort of behavior, and you’ll find it only increases the damage that’s already been done.
  1. If your husband has been sexually active outside your marriage, then consult with your doctor and discuss the various tests you should have for sexually transmitted diseases or HIV. While there’s no reason to panic or jump to conclusions, it would be foolish not to insure your own health and deal with whatever medical problems may arise from your situation.
  1. Expect to grieve the loss of your marriage’s innocence, and the loss of confidence in your man. Sometimes you’ll rage; sometimes you’ll weep; sometimes you’ll feel downright comatose! Don’t try to rush the grieving process, and make no apologies, to yourself or anyone, for your pain. You’ve sustained a deep and indescribable injury, so take care of your wounds and give them time to heal up.

Key Verses

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8: 28

“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.” -Ephesians 4: 32


For Husbands:

“The Game Plan: The Men’s Thirty Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity” by Joe Dallas – To order click here.

For Wives:

“Living With Your Husband’s Secret Wars” by Marsha Means – To order click here.

For the Couple:

Genesis Counseling 2-Day Couples Intensives – For more information click here.


Emma | Sep 6, 2011

I have seen lot of people building up resentment on the husband because of the affair. This is hard to overcome if ignored. Deal with our own emotions is really important. Knowing the root cause that pushed him to have the affair has to be known. That will give a better understanding of the situation. Thanks, Emma. [Read my latest post on spouse affair]

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