Considering Marriage Counseling? Then Get Your Money’s Worth!

Every Tuesday we’ll be posting an article about restoring and strengthening marriages that have been damaged by sexual sin. Hope it helps.

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Considering Marriage Counseling? Then Get Your Money’s Worth!

Time and again couples present themselves for counseling, saying they want their marriage improved or restored. In the interest of a better union, they’re willing to come for weekly sessions, pay a fee, and take at least an hour out of each week. Great. But so often, when the counseling starts to require negotiation, compromise, an apology or a bit of humility, the goal of a better marriage takes a back seat to the goal of winning an argument. And that’s when I have to ask, “Why pay good money for something you don’t really seem to want?”

That may be an unfair way to put it, since I know very well that I can want something, but still be unwilling to make certain sacrifices to get it. Still, couples do need to check their motives and goals clearly when they start the marriage counseling process, or else they’re likely to go from counselor to counselor, starting then aborting the process repeatedly when one of both are challenged in areas they’d rather not address. To my thinking, that’s a silly waste of time and money. So in the interest of promoting good use of the counselor’s office, let me make a few suggestions to any couple considering marriage counseling.

1.) Remember, it’s Counseling, not the Courtroom.

If you go into it like a couple of attorneys trying to win a case, then like an attorney, you’re not going to be interested in what’s true or false; right or wrong. Rather, your concern will be winning, proving you’re right, keeping the upper hand and the high moral ground. And you may indeed win the case, if your arguing skills are keener than your spouse’s. But where’s the payoff? I’ve seen plenty of men or women outtalk and out argue their spouse, only to find themselves suddenly single and wondering what happened. So at least start by being honest with yourself – do you want counseling, or do you want affirmation that you’re right and that your spouse is wrong? Because if what you really want is someone to agree with you, you can get that a lot cheaper by taking a sympathetic friend out to Starbucks and venting. But if it’s the marriage you want to see improved, then you’ll be willing to look at whatever may be wrong with it, even if what’s wrong with it has a good deal to do with you.

2.) Look at the Uglies.

When I visit my Doctor, I allow him to see parts of myself I’ve obviously got no interest in showing to anyone else. Likewise, I’ll discuss bodily functions and dysfunctions that I can’t bring myself to write about, for which you are, and should be, grateful. He is, after all, my physician, and I’m not there to chat about politics. To keep me healthy, we simply have to focus on areas I normally keep private. And wouldn’t I be a fool to refuse disrobing because I don’t like being seen?

Sure, but no more foolish than the woman or man who sees a counselor but withholds vital information out of embarrassment. The poor counselor can’t after all, read minds or second guess. He can only deal with the information that’s presented to him, so please, for the sake of a good counseling experience, talk about the Uglies. What isn’t faced cannot be dealt with; what isn’t dealt with won’t be resolved.

3.) Stay teachable

No one should swallow everything a counselor, mentor or pastor says. Still, if you could resolve this problem on your own, you probably would have by now. So by going to counseling, you’re wisely admitting that you need the guidance of a pastor or therapist who has experience dealing with the sort of situation you’re in. One of the commonest mistakes I see counselee’s make has to do with simple pride. Someone gets something pointed out that they didn’t want to see, so they throw up the old “Well, I simply don’t agree with you” wall, ducking the issue they should be examining. So please, for your sake more than anyone else’s, admit that your counselor, while quite imperfect and limited, does know a good deal about the problems you’re facing, so defer to his judgment or, if you really feel his judgment is essentially poor, find someone else you can defer to. But remember – if you’re constantly “finding someone else”, then you’re operating like the person who’s been through several marriages and divorces, all because he never “found the right person.” Clearly, the problem is closer to home than he realizes.

So be a good steward of the time and finances God’s entrusted you with. If you need help, it’s available. But the cost is more than the fee. It takes discipline and humility to get the full benefit of counsel. Bring healthy doses of both and you’ll be pleased with results.