Those Sexy Ears

Every Tuesday we post something about strengthening or rebuilding marriages. Hope it helps.

Those Sexy Ears

The light comedy Shall We Dance? includes a bit of dialogue that’s become a favorite of my wife and mine. Offering her theory as to why we marry, a woman notes:

“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.”

Going unnoticed is a common nightmare. We hate it when a waiter ignores us, or a teacher never responds to our raised hand, or a person we say hello to stares straight ahead and keeps walking. To be ignored is to be told You Don’t Matter, a message no one takes well. So there’s solid comfort in the promise your life will be noticed and born witness to.

Making good on that promise means, among other things, listening to your spouse, and here’s where too many husbands and wives are falling short. Not necessarily in the area of listening to the practical daily matters – “Honey, we need milk;” “I can’t take the kids to school this morning;” etc. – but listening when a partner needs to have her/his thoughts, feelings and experiences validated. At least that’s what lots of couples are telling me, and in my own marriage I’m coming to see it in a fresh light as well. If my wife feels like she’s uninteresting, it could well be because when she talks about a news item, or her thoughts on a particular scripture, or a tiff she had with a colleague, I zone out, nodding my head without really hearing her, one eye on her and the other on Bill O’Reilly. The message she gets is, in essence, “You don’t have much to say that matters. What you experience or feel is secondary to whatever’s on my agenda right now, so I’ll politely endure this conversation then duck out quickly as I can.”

And if she can’t count on her own husband to take her seriously, find her interesting, and care what she goes through, then what’s her husband good for? I’m supposed to be her witness, insuring that her life does not go un-noticed. So now I’m trying, sometimes successfully, sometimes not, to make sure she feels interesting, noticed, heard. Because of course she is, and neglecting her words and thoughts robs me of wisdom and insight I need to hear as surely as she needs it to be heard. When I use my ears well, we both win.

More husbands and wives than I can count have told me something similar. A common compliant is something along the line of I’m not taken seriously; What I say seems irrelevant; I feel like I’m talking to air.

So let me challenge you to try something. Ask your spouse to tell you honestly whether she/he feels like you really listen, and are really interested. Remind your spouse how important it is to you that she/he feels like there’s always at least one person who wants to know her/his thoughts, feelings, experiences. You might be surprised how attractive you are when you listen actively and carefully, and how much that alone can do for your marriage.

I can vouch for it. Posing and flexing for Renee won’t get me much more than a laugh these days, but when I use my ears? Stud.

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