Left Behind: The Problem

For the next three weeks, my lovely wife Renee will be guest blogging about the problem of abandonment. Renee heads up the WifeBoat ministry, which offers support to wives of men caught up in sexual sin. Her blog can be found at wifeboat.com.  Read Part 2: Left Behind: The Emotional Aftermath and Part 3: Hope Floats.

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Renee Dallas

Left Behind: The Problem by Renee Dallas

Can you imagine a little girl raised in poverty because her father squandered the family income on alcohol and gambling? You can just see her growing up determined to never experience that sort of betrayal again. She puts herself through college, gets a promising job, saves monthly and carefully guards her income. She kind if reminds me of Scarlett O’Hara shaking her fist saying “I’ll never be hungry again!” Never again, this girl tells herself, and she means it. Mr. Right comes along eventually and she marries, but her old fears are intact. Still, she knows she has to trust if she’s going to wed, so she pools her resources with her husband’s, only to find that within a year he, like her father, has been secretly squandering it on booze and partying.

Now they’re broke. So she insists on controlling the finances, taking no input from him, running it all herself. Or perhaps she lets him pay the bills but she becomes hyper-vigilant, looking over his shoulder at all times, questioning him about every little financial decision he makes. Or maybe she gets very clingy, begging him on a daily basis to please be responsible, please watch his spending, please don’t ever squander their money again.

Can you blame her?

OK, you get the picture, which is a portrait of the women I work with in the WifeBoat ministry. Some of them are angry, some are depressed, some are simply numbed out. But one feeling all of them share is that of abandonment. Many of them already had experienced abandonment early in life from fathers, old boyfriends, or other significant men. Then they dared to trust again, only to be slammed down, and now they’re the ladies who’ve been left behind by a husband who chose brief pleasure over his marriage vows.Her fears originated in her childhood, and were then aggravated in her marriage. No wonder she’s gotten controlling, vigilant, needy. Old wounds have been re-opened, leaving her in constant dread. And wouldn’t her man be unreasonable to criticize her for that?

To some of their husbands these ladies seem a little crazy, and under different circumstances they might be right. But is it really so crazy, when you’ve been let down again and again, to fear a repeat of the abandonment? I don’t think so. I was abandoned in an earlier marriage, terribly, when I was very young and fairly naïve. By the time I met Joe I was still reeling from the pain, even though it had been some years, and I’m sure my insecurities showed. But they had a cause, and looking back I’d have to say my reaction to the cause was reasonable, even if my behavior didn’t always seem to be.

What sort of behavior might that be? I find it usually is one of these three: Controlling behavior, hyper-vigilant behavior, or clingy behavior. All of them are fear based, and all of them need to be dealt with if the women involved (not to mention their husbands!) are ever going to move on into healthier, godlier ways of relating.

Next week I’d like to look at those three types of women, and offer some tips to each. Hope to see you then!

MORE:

Read Part 2: Left Behind: The Emotional Aftermath

Read Part 3: Hope Floats