Beware the Grudge

Every Tuesday we’ll post something to do with strengthening marriages. Hope it helps.

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Beware the Grudge

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. ~ Ruth Bell Graham

On the best of football teams fumbles happen, and passes are either poorly thrown or missed. But the players would be unusually stupid if they held their errors against each other, for obvious reasons. They have a goal. They need each other’s cooperative effort to achieve that goal, and if they waste time and energy holding grudges against a teammate who errors, then they can kiss the game goodbye. The player who fumbled will be demoralized, making his performance all the worse, and the other players who keep rubbing his nose in the fumble will aggravate the problem, guaranteeing that nobody wins. So a smart team pulls together, encouraging each other, and, when necessary, forgiving as well.

Of course, some guys should just be thrown out of the game. If they’re thumbing their noses at the rules, or their performance is so consistently subpar that it’s dragging everyone else down, then the coach or ref will decide that they’re outta there. But as long as a man’s still in the game, then his team logically wants him to improve, perform well, and move towards the goal with the rest of them. And they’ll treat him accordingly, because holding his mistakes against him will likewise hold all of them back.

Important point: The players who forgive aren’t doing so just because they’re a bunch of sweet guys. They’re a bunch of smart guys. No doubt some of them have hard feelings about the error their team mate committed, and it may be an effort to swallow the insult they’d like to throw at him. But reaching the long term goal matters more than the short term relief of venting. The goal’s the thing.

Plenty of husbands and wives should take note, because an unwillingness to forgive pretty much guarantees the goal won’t be reached. The spouse who loves well forgives well, and often.

Renee and I work with couples whose marriages have been crippled by a husband’s overt sin. The wife is usually crushed, angry, suspicious, depressed or confused, and no reasonable person would hold that against her. Marital betrayal is possibly one of the worst emotional injuries you can experience, and here my analogy to a football game falls way, way short. A fumble is a mistake; a betrayal is a relational felony.

Even so, at some point she’ll have to decide whether his wrongdoing is so serious, or so frequent, that he’s outta the game, or if they’re still on the same team. If he’s out of the game, then case closed. But if, as in most cases, she decides to stay, then they’re still a team with a goal, and it’s a goal they’re not likely to reach of she rubs his nose in his error. He’ll be demoralized, making his performance as a husband all the worse, and she, by rubbing his nose in his sin, will virtually guarantee the marriage doesn’t heal, thereby guaranteeing that nobody wins. So a smart couple, like a smart team, pulls together, encouraging each other; forgiving often.

Forgiving doesn’t mean pretending. Some sins indicate a problem needing godly counsel, accountability, lifestyle adjustment, or the severing of habits or ties that are intolerable. A wise spouse, like a smart teammate, will insist on whatever corrective actions are needed to see that the error doesn’t get re-committed. But having done so, she’ll relinquish the power that comes from being both right and wronged, and instead work cooperatively with her husband as a partner, sharing with him the goal of a healthy family life.

Like a successful team player, she doesn’t forgive just because she’s a sweet lady. She forgives because she’s smart. She could, if she was less intelligent, hold onto the goal of being in charge by reminding her teammate of his error and thereby keeping the upper hand. But the smart spouse has a better goal in mind. She wants a strong husband, a peaceful home, and a permanent bond that she’s not willing to permanently sacrifice for temporary, unfulfilling vengeance. He repents she forgives, and God blesses the union of two people playing the game properly. Sin happens; forgiveness works.

And when it works, everyone wins.