Pastor Rick Warren’s beloved son Matthew just took his life, leaving behind a devastated family and a multitude of unanswered, and probably unanswerable, questions.
I’ve wrestled with depression for decades and was diagnosed, during one horrific period of my life, as suicidal. It’s been decades, but I’ll never consider myself immune to depression’s pull. When it hits, it’s a tsunami, and swimming against it seems all but fruitless. So to a point, I strongly empathize with Matthew, even as I want to kick his butt and say “Can’t you see there was no need for this?”
But doubtless he couldn’t, and trying to talk a severely depressed person out of their despair can be like encouraging a quadriplegic to run a marathon. I’m not excusing suicide, which is surely a heinous, cruel sin. I’m only recognizing that when you’re plummeting down the despair cycle, it’s awfully hard to be reasonable.
But in the midst of all the discussion this tragedy will bring, please, let’s not blame any of Matthew’s family members, friends or professionals he may have consulted. It’s common at a time like this to ask, however innocently, “Couldn’t someone have helped? Isn’t someone responsible? That’s the twofold horror of suicide – a life is wrongfully ended, and survivors are often wrongfully blamed.
I say this not as an expert on the problem, because indeed, I don’t think there’s any such thing. But I do know this: When someone’s on the brink of ending it, it’s presumptuous and cruel to assume someone else pushed them there. The suicidal mindset is a baffling, unexplained hell that one experiences alone, often without fault on anyone else’s part. When I was there, hopeless and ready to end it, I never for a moment thought any family member or friend had put me there. No one failed me; no one could have seen how sick my mind had become; no one was negligent. I alone was responsible for what I would do, or resist doing.
So let’s pray fervently for, and speak mercifully of, the Warren family during this horrible, horrible season of their lives. And God grant we all take seriously the responsibility we were given at birth to steward our lives faithfully, however hard they become, and tenderly comfort each other when the going gets rough.
Comments
jl5298 | Apr 6, 2013
One of the most heart-wrenching experiences of my life was attending the funeral of a co-worker that took his own life. I don't know if i'm clinically depressed....but like everyone I guess, I have been in several situations in my life of almost 50 years now where I've thought, "what's the point, just check out." After witnessing this incredible outpouring of grief from loved ones that were left behind....I swore right then and there that I could NEVER do this to the ones I love. My heartfelt condolences to the Warren family. By Your Spirit, come Lord Jesus
apronheadlilly | Apr 6, 2013
:(
Robert | Apr 7, 2013
Hi Joe,
I tried to kill myself twice in the 80 and was close sometimes - even though long ago. One thing is for sure - as you already said: The situation is hell for the one who has to go through it (and for his beloved ones) and you feel pretty much alone in this, so no playing the blame game. Maybe the Church needs to adress this more openly so those who feel there is no way out realize there is help - both psychological/medical and also the welcoming and loving arms of an empathetic Church family. For that, however, the Church also needs to be informed as to the factors that contribute to suicide. Now that I think about it, this pattern also follows same-sex attractions (even though you can't really compare the two): The Church needs to respond with grace (tender loving care) and truth (knowledge about this mental problem, also theological evaluation). Just some random thoughts.
Keith | Apr 8, 2013
Joe: You said, "there are no experts" when it comes to understanding suicide. Try "A Long Shadowed Grief" by Harold IvanSmith.
Kathy | Apr 8, 2013
Is suicide really a sin? As in Matthews case, where he obviously wasn't thinking rationally?
Mark | Apr 8, 2013
...in the Catholic tradition, there are 3 conditions necessary to cause one to fall from God's grace: 1)serious sin; 2)committed with sufficient reflection; 3)with full and wilful consent. It seems in the case of suicide that only the first condition is met with certainty, and that only God knows the state of mind in regards to the latter ones. But being that suicide is often, if not always carried out in an irrational state of mind, we can often presume that sufficient reflection was lacking, and/or full and wilful consent was absent, given the irrational state of the act.
Jim | Sep 19, 2013
Joe - thanks once again for insightful words. I've been treated and counselled for major depression disorder for 10 years now, and 7 years ago was attempting suicide. Suicidal thoughts had pretty much been kept in the back of a shelf until recently. The desire to end one's life is very strong when one is going through a depressive episode. For me, added to depression, anxiety disorder and PTSD are also part of the mix. I guess I lack the nerve to take a truly fatal overdose, but I know that the Spirit is at work in me, working against the forces of darkness that would take my life. At this point, I'm just telling myself to wait until tomorrow, that this mental dis-ease need only be temporary. I'm so thankful for God's grace, knowing that if I do end my life, it won't mean I've committed an unpardonable sin, but will be with Him in heaven, where all sickness, including mental, will cease.
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