Who’s Counting?

Every Tuesday we post something about strengthening or rebuilding marriages. Hope it helps.

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Who’s Counting? 

“Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed [is] the man unto whom the LORD imputeth not iniquity —” – Psalms 32:1-2

If you ram your house with a bulldozer, your wife may forgive you. But don’t expect things to be the same.

First, there’s the severity of your actions. We all slam the occasional door or maybe even thrust our fist through the wall, but there’s something about bulldozing your house that raises eyebrows, especially hers. So in light of the severity of your actions, grant her the right to question why you did it, how you could do it, and whether you plan on doing it again. Then grant her some time to deal with what you’ve done, express her rage and bewilderment, and heal from the shock of her husband’s crazy behavior. In short, allow that things won’t be the same for a while, because they simply can’t.

Adultery – whether the literal act with another person or the adulterous nature of porn – bulldozes the house. It’s an act so far removed from what a wife expects when she says “I Do” that you cannot expect her to respond to your sexual sin the way she responds to your snoring. One is irritating; the other, lethal. She’ll need time, prayer, answers from you, guidance from others, and the patient support and affection she deserves in the aftermath. And here’s where couples often make one of two common mistakes.

First, the error a wife commits by dredging it up, rehashing it yet again, throwing it in the husband’s face and generally refusing to move on. Lots of wives commit it, which is understandable in light of the seriousness of the sin, but inexcusable in light of our mandate to forgive, a mandate given by Christ without qualifiers. Now, I really do see a difference between the need to talk it through versus the sin of dredging it. The offended wife has legitimate questions, and an equally legitimate need to express her hurt and anger for a season. But when she continues bringing her husband’s sin up for months or even years after the fact, she passes from legitimate grieving to sinful power playing. Whatever relief she may find from that, she’ll also, in the long run, pay a terrible price as her husband’s heart grows cold towards her and the marriage she claimed to value loses joy, intimacy and good will. God does not count our sins then send us a monthly reminder of them. As the Psalmist said in the verse quoted above, He does not impute – or, literally, “calculate” – our sin to us. He doesn’t count them, add them up and send us a bill. Being less than God, then, we dare not hold grudges when He forgives, lest we place ourselves in danger of judgment. (Matthew 18:35)

But another equally common mistake is made by husbands who don’t appreciate the grace a forgiving wife shows when she says, in essence, “You broke my heart, trust and confidence, but yes, I forgive you and want to rebuild our home.”

That’s a statement no man should take casually, and it should be met with fervency, not complacency. I often remind husbands I’m working with of their need to regularly and sincerely thank their wives for their forgiveness and willingness to try again; for their grace in the midst of so much pain; for their strength and commitment to what they vowed when they accepted the “For better or worse” part of the bargain. A simple but regular “Honey, thank you for loving me and forgiving me” isn’t much to ask, and goes a long ways towards reassuring her that her grace isn’t taken lightly, nor is her partnership taken for granted. The man who treats his wife’s forgiveness like a job description rather than a miracle of mercy is a man treating his bulldozing of the house like a minor “My Bad”; something akin to forgetting to mow the lawn or bring the milk home. And that, hands down, is not only inconsiderate but downright dumb.

God does not count our sins, a blessed and hugely comforting thought. But when I think about that, I’m moved to thank Him for that kind of grace, rather than take it for granted.

So to the husband whose wife has forgiven him, I’d say think it over, Bro – she could have left, but she stayed. She could have punished, instead she pardoned. Granted, she shouldn’t perpetually bring it up. But you should. You should remind her, often and passionately, how grateful you are for a woman who loves enough to forgive, and who forgives enough to allow her bulldozed house to rebuild, slowly and certainly, along with her bulldozed heart.

If your sin abounded yet her grace did much more abound, praise her regularly, appreciate her deeply, and never let her wonder if the amazing grace she showed was in vain.