The ‘It’ Factor

Every Monday we’ll post something about sexual integrity. Hope it’s helpful.

Considering the fact you’re reading a blog on sexual integrity, there’s the possibility you’re either in crises over your sexual behavior, or you want to avoid ever having that sort of crises.

And why shouldn’t you? You’ve got other plans, after all – a family, a home, or a certain type of job or career. And by now, you’ve probably attained some of those goals, so I’ll also assume you’ve steered your life in a certain direction and, to some extent, you’ve succeeded.

You have expectations, too, especially of yourself. You expect to be a certain type of man – not perfect, but the kind you can respect; a guy who lives up to his beliefs, has a decent reputation, and is the sort of friend, father or husband who makes his loved ones feel safe and cared for. And if you do ever wind up having any deep, dark secrets, you figure they’ll be the sort that aren’t really that deep and dark.

Plans and expectations – since you’ve got both, the last thing you want is to see them derailed by a moral failure. So maybe you’re here to make sure that never happens.

Then again, maybe it already has. Maybe it started so long ago it’s hard to recall how or when, but at some point you discovered It. We usually refer to “it” as sexual sin or “acting out”, but however you label it, it’s the thing that’s now disrupting your life.

The form “it” takes varies from man to man. For many, it’s a combination of pornography and sexual fantasies. Others find it in a prostitute’s embrace, or in strip clubs, the forbidden thrill of adulterous or pre-marital sex, anonymous encounters, phone sex, cyber-sex or chat rooms. Maybe you’ve practiced it in less common ways, through some habit or private ritual you’re deeply ashamed of and have never admitted to anyone. (Although heaven knows, there really is nothing new under the sun, and I can guarantee you’ve neither discovered nor created a new sin.)

But whatever its form, it become part of your life, despite your plans and expectations, because in its own strange way, it works.

When you discovered it, you found something that delivered both meaning and ecstasy. Now, meaning isn’t normally a word we associate with immorality, but think about it: there really can be profound meaning in actions that are completely wrong. Just because they’re meaningful, that doesn’t make them right. But just because they’re wrong, that doesn’t remove the sense of meaning that so often goes with them. In plain language, if sexual sin wasn’t deeply meaningful in some way, men wouldn’t indulge it.

Internet pornography, for example, can bring a man comfort, thrill, power and escape, all of which create a meaningful (though unhealthy) experience. When you add ecstasy to the mix– the anticipation of seeing the porn, the adrenaline rush that comes with viewing erotic images – then you’ve got yourself a powerful product. Morally wrong? Sure. Addictive; even destructive? Absolutely, but powerful, nonetheless. And when a customer tries a product delivering both meaning and ecstasy, there’s a good chance he’ll go back for seconds.

But maybe it didn’t stop at “seconds.” Maybe it became a fairly regular part of your routine. Oh, there may have been times – months, even years – when you stopped. But then it kept returning or, I should say, you kept returning to it. It was reliable and ever present, like an old friend who never said “no.” And so it became not only a secret vice, but a secret device as well, a product you’ve relied on for comfort, connection and escape.

But knowing a behavior is wrong doesn’t necessarily stop you from repeating it. And repeating it may not, at least in the beginning, ruin your plans and expectations. While nursing a sin, you may also build up that family, career and life you were aiming for. The sin may not keep it from happening. It’s common, in fact, for a man to tell himself, “This is wrong, but it isn’t that wrong! If I’m careful and discreet, it won’t interfere with the rest of my life. I am, after all, a good man in general, and even good men can have a few bad habits.”

Then something happens, sometimes something minor; sometimes worse – an arrest, a sexually transmitted disease, professional or financial damage – and then a man’s life gets thrown into endless somersaults. Or he may just be exhausted from the lying, double-mindedness and shame that comes from prolonged sexual sin. Whatever the case, a crises of truth demands attention, slapping a man in the face with a realization: This has to stop; I have to change.

And that’s the beginning of It becoming a renounced, rejected thing of the past. May it stay there, today and always.