(I’m reposting this message with a few updates in light of the Robin Williams tragedy, hoping it can be of use to anyone suffering from depression, or to anyone who loves someone affected by it.)
“— a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan sent to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.” – I Corinthians 12: 7
No one knows for certain what Paul’s thorn was, but I know mine. I’ve got a handful, actually, but depression is one of the strongest, most stubborn and noticeable thorns I’m stuck with.
So I was more than sad upon hearing about Robin Williams death, the allegations it was a suicide, and the reports of his depression preceding it. We’ve lost a truly brilliant man. I objected to a lot of his material and, in fact, have turned the tv off more than once on him because of his language and subject matter. But the guy has also had me in stitches, and I flat out marvel at his ability to improvise at lightning speed, spewing out astoundingly funny quips and one-liners. No denying the man was an extraordinary artist.
And now, it seems, he also suffered from depression. There’s something we definitely had in common. I’ve wrestled with it since I was a teenager, and I mean real depression, not the occasional “blues”, moodiness, or sadness we all experience from time to time. Depression is to a blue mood what a migraine is to a headache, which is to say there’s no comparison. When you’ve got a headache, you can relieve yourself with a couple aspirins and a quick nap. But when a migraine mugs you, you’re out of the game for hours on end, consigned to a near comatose state of throbbing misery. Anyone can relate to a headache; only true migraine survivors can commiserate with a fellow sufferer.
So it is with depression, a point I make only because I can’t count the number of well-meaning Christians who’ve advised me, in the middle of my serious bouts with the monster, to do what they do when they’re feeling a little sad: think positive; take vitamins; say a prayer. All good ideas if you’re having a bad hair day, but not helpful when you’re flattened by what I affectionately call the Dark Plunge. When that hits, telling me to think more positively is like advising someone lying on the road after a car accident to count their blessings. Thanks, and perhaps you’re right, but please be quiet, you’re not helping.
Of course, there’s a place for genuine sadness, isn’t there? And with so much in this life to grieve, who’s to say there’s anything neurotic about occasional tears and sorrow over the whole human condition, much less the human race. The daily news is enough to send anyone running for their meds: another shooting, more scandals, less economic hope. Then there’s your own unique list of woes, from family matters to illnesses to rejection, disappointments, setbacks. Sadness is as normal to our existence as breath, and to my thinking, refusing to recognize that is far less healthy than being emotionally affected by it.
But depression can make an appearance when all seems well, even great. My worst bout with it, for example, came back in ’94 when I was en route to a speaking engagement. I’d just finished the manuscript for my third book, my clientele was at an all-time high, I’d recently had a wonderful reception from thousands at the national Promise Keepers conference, and our newly purchased home was our pride and joy. Yet while sitting in the terminal at Los Angeles International Airport, the Dark Plunge came over me and, like the Wolfman making his transition, I went from joyful to hopeless within minutes. I started tearing up, moaning, and obsessing over everything I had to do and how impossible it suddenly seemed to get it all done, and how many people I was going to let down, and why on earth was I going to speak at a conference when I have nothing to say, so why don’t I just find a phone booth and call to cancel, or better yet, why don’t I just kill myself quickly and make room for someone more productive?
And, I kid you not, I calmly decided to stand up on my chair and start screaming. I resisted the urge, but I get chills to this day thinking how close I came. I sleep-walked through that conference, then flew home, staggered into my office the next morning, and laid my head on my desk sobbing loud, noisy wails.
Everyone in my life, from my wife on down, demanded I take a month off, get therapy, heal up. I was put on anti-depressants from a psychiatrist who demanded to see my daytimer (“Show me a man’s calendar and I’ll tell you about the man” he lectured) and, upon reviewing my schedule, he glared at me and said “You’re killing yourself with this routine. You want to die? Keep these hours. You want to live? Slow down.”
I burnt myself out; it’s an old, common story. Often, those of us susceptible to depression wear down doing good things but obtaining bad results, particularly in the damage we do to ourselves.
St. Paul described life with his thorn. I have mine, you have yours, Robin Williams had his. I find that my thorn defies prediction, so I need to be prepared for it to flare up at any time. Regular exercise, schedule management, and daily devotions all help, but the thorn remains, sometimes pricking me, sometimes all but invisible. And darned if I don’t have to admit that it does temper me, just as Paul’s did. I’m pretty sure I’m mellower, a little humbler, more gracious with others and less judgmental, all because of my occasional dark plunges into depression. For all of that, and the grace He and my loved ones show me when I most need it, I’m grateful. I’d rather be delivered once and for all, but hey, I’m grateful.
I’ll be even more grateful when this mortal puts on immortality, never again to feel depression’s despair. May the day be soon, but meanwhile, may we all learn to value our thorns, knowing, as Paul did, that in our weakness, His strength is indeed made perfect.
As for Mr. Williams, please, more grace, less judgmental speculations. First, I’ve no knowledge of his spiritual state, so I won’t comment on his eternal state, either. Second, even if he was a believer, let’s not assume Christians are immune to this disease, because both common sense and experience tell us we’re not. I don’t criticize anyone for not being able to understand another person’s pain – after all, how can you relate to what you’ve never experienced? But please, let’s not judge those who are already crippled by overwhelming pain and helplessness.
Instead, in response to this tragic loss, let’s pray God will open our eyes to the hardships others are going through, give us the love to motivate us to encourage them, and grant us the wisdom to find the right words and expressions to communicate to the most despairing soul that yes, there’s still hope, so long as there’s still Him. May we point the way to salvation and grace to anyone drowning in their own dark, hopeless plunge.
Comments
Evan | Aug 12, 2014
I really appreciate the honesty snd wisdom of this post. Thank you.
Julie | Aug 12, 2014
Excellent post. Thank you for sharing your struggles with it on here too. Sadly many Christians I know think we should some how be above depression and they are very, very critical of those that suffer from it which makes no sense to me because Christ's teachings say just the opposite on how to treat others...they do not believe its a real thing and use a verse in the bible that they seem to believe a true Christian would live by hence having no problems with depression.
2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)
7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
The key words being 'sound mind'. I realize they don't know what they are talking about. I have struggled with some truly terrible depression myself over the years. I know what its like to have this dark cloud descend on me and how it affects my thinking, my moods and oppresses my thought process so badly its hard to even think straight. Its very frightening too to have that loss of control. I was told much the same as you. Also tried the medication (some which made me much worse!), and therapy. Nothing much really helped. What did help me was rebuking the depression in the Name of Jesus. I have come to believe that for some this is a type of spiritual attack. For others its a medical condition..a true chemical imbalance in the brain and getting help for it should not be looked on any differently then if they had heart disease. The brain IS an organ and can be affected just like any other organs in our body. But in general the public has shamed those who suffer from depression so much for so long, people are ashamed and embarrassed to admit they need help and actually get it. And for those that do seek help, too many times that help is very limited due to all the cut back in mental health.
Maybe in some way, Robins death will help people to not only get more educated on what depression is, but help people be more willing to get the help they need...and resources will become more available for those that need that help. Thanks for your very thoughtful article. I pray the Lord eases your bouts with depression...
God bless
Karen | Aug 12, 2014
I am one who has battled more than one thorn in a lifetime, not the least of which is depression, chronic health issues, and sexuality. I wrote this song a few months ago and have yet to record it, but thought it fit the topic here quite well. Thanks Joe for your honesty, wisdom, and compassion on this topic - and other "thorny issues"..... :-)
THIS THORN
Karen Stevenson 2014
This thorn led me down a lonely road
At every turn I’m letting go
Of all my dreams
This thorn brought me to a broken place
Needing you in every way
Just to breathe
BRIDGE
And I can’t deny the struggles I’ve been through
That make me cry and make me cling to You
To You for life……
CHORUS
This thorn
I did not choose, give anything to change
Even begged my God please, please take away
Now I'm at Your feet,where I can see
This thorn
Is a cross I bare that leads me to Your door
All the lonely nights I raged against the storm
But you saw my need and gave to me
This thorn
This thorn deep inside a heart that bleeds
Laying down my every need
And desire
This thorn, an endless aching in my soul
A comfort I may never know
In this life
And I can’t deny the struggles I’ve been through
That make me cry and make me cling to You
To You for life……
This thorn
I did not choose, give anything to change
Even begged my God please, please take away
Now I'm at Your feet,where I can see
This thorn
Is a cross I bare that leads me to Your door
All the lonely nights I raged against the storm
But you saw my need and gave to me
This thorn
Jim | Aug 12, 2014
Thank you, Joe. Having been at some depth of my own Dark Plunge for the past ten years, your words have special meaning to me. I surely empathize both with you and Robin Williams, knowing how depression distorts our realities. May God help us to persist in our journeys.
Rebecca | Aug 12, 2014
Excellent article. I know from personal experience that depression can lead to severe, not-right thinking, and an absolute compulsion to just not exist anymore. Not to kill yourself nor to hurt those who love you. Rather, it is a compulsion to stop the relentless, unfathomable pain that haunts your every waking moment. I am a Christian. However, the church is pretty much the last place I go when I'm mired in it. I get platitudes; "Let go, let God...You need to get on your knees and pray, seek God...Suck it up...Just get over it" etc. Not helpful at all. It just makes me feel worse, as if I'm such a huge burden that I don't deserve to take up space, and that people would truly be better off without me. I already feel all of those things almost constantly. When I'm in the dregs and can't pull myself out, I do spend countless time on my knees. That's the only reason I'm still here. I've begged God to just take me. He hasn't. There are days when I'm barely able to hang on and want to end it myself. But, I don't. I was told as a child (when my mom found a letter I'd written to God) that people who kill themselves don't go to Heaven because taking a life is a sin. So, I push on, go through my day, put a fake smile on my face; screaming all the while on the inside to the point that my screams are all I can hear. I get it.
Rick | Aug 12, 2014
Well stated Joe!
Flor S. | Aug 12, 2014
Very interesting to learn more about depression, since I suffered also some kind of chronic depression since I was 11 years old. I got sick and my thyroid gland almost died and this caused my depression, which by then, I didn't know and doctors never found out either about my thyroid and/or depression until 2001. I understand a lot of the symptoms and how they drag you down to the point to feel helpless. I have learn trough the years, this is a physical decease or illness like any other where you need medication to help you balance your lack of "whatever" in your brain, of course exercise, healthy diet and a reasonable routine of going to bed and get up early helps, but this is not enough, you have to take medication and lots of water to stay in a more less state that would let you function "normally".
MAYBE IN THE NOT SO FAR FUTURE THEY WILL CURE THIS WITH STEM CELLS, SINCE I JUST READ, BABIES CURE MANY OF THEIR MOM'S DAMAGED ORGANS WHILE BEING IN THE WOMB, BY PASSING THEM STEM CELLS. OTHER WAY WE CAN GET CURE OF MANY BAD DECESASES IS BY A MARROW TRANSPLANT. OF COURSE YOU MAY THINK I AM CRAZY, SINCE THIS IS NOT BEING DONE IN THE DAILY BASIS, BUT NOT LONG AGO, I ALSO READ, I GUY THAT HAD A KIND OF CANCER (AND VIH OR AIDS) GOT A MARROW TRANSPLANT TO GET CURE FROM CANCER, BUT HE ALSO, UNEXPECTEDLY, WAS CURED OF HIS AIDS. SO, I BELIEVE MANY DECEASES CAN BE CURED WITH MARROW TRANSPLANTS. ASK, INVESTIGATE, AND QUESTION DOCTORS TO SEE IF THIS IS AN OPTION FOR YOU, MAYBE IT IS AND WE DON'T BELIEVE IT, SINCE WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
Sincerely
Flor S.
Sara Marie Hogg | Aug 13, 2014
Yes, Joe. You have said what needed to be said. As a recovering alcoholic (and we know those people suffer from depression and often become addicted while self-medicating) I am astounded by those that say you can "pray all of that away." Alas, no you can't. If you could there would not be so many ministers and priests and rabbis who have found their way to AA meetings. Yes, let's not judge people going through this horrible, paralyzing, overwhelming condition. Let's not sanctimoniously say, "If you were praying right, right with God, this would not have happened." I wish you well, Joe.
Nick | Aug 14, 2014
Hey Joe, thanks for writing this. A minor fall recently cued that up fairly hard in me and while I'm doing alright, it's been tough. I have a good support system to lean on but it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who in the midst of it feels like they're losing their mind. And it's great to hear other Christians standing through it. Thanks for being there Joe and thank you for your wisdom
Mark | Aug 14, 2014
Excellent post! Great reminder to offer grace!
Katie | Aug 14, 2014
Thank you for your honesty and truth spoken. I so appreciate it since I suffer PTSD, anxiety and depression. They can act up when least expected and I recently had someone (a boss) tell me just choose to be happy, he could dwell on his daughter living 4 hours away and be sad or be choose to be happy. He doesn't get it. After a night of nightmares, flashbacks and lack of sleep it is hard to have a good day the next day. It is hard to not just focus on the negative that is going on. I do see hope, in Jesus, but I do still suffer and deal with this regardless. So many think just because you are a Christian you should "be fine or okay" which is just a mask.
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