Hearing Aids

There’s a lot I can get away with in my house. I can leave dirty socks in my study, sing Motown classics to let off steam, eat peanut butter out of the jar, and occasionally watch CSI, none of which pleases Renee; all of which she tolerates. But of all the mortal sins I’ve learned to avoid, poor listening tops the list. She needs to be heard, and that’s not a “woman” thing, because so do I. We’re in a partnership, and partners are expected to hear each other. If they don’t, it all unravels.

It also gets contaminated, eventually, with resentment. That’s a killer toxin. When people resent, they withdraw, grow cold and punitive, and intimacy withers. I’ve come to think much of the resentment happening in marriages starts with poor listening skills. Someone feels unheard, so they also feel disrespected and devalued. Eventually their emotions just close, matching their marital communication. Resentment can be a silent, lethal drug, poisoning one partner while the other stays clueless about the nature or severity of the problem until, sadly, it’s too late. All of which is tragic, and avoidable. And often the avoidance can come by putting into practice a few simple hearing aids.

Reflect, Don’t Rebut

When things get tense between a couple, that’s when both parties need to be heard. Ironically, that’s also when many partners, instead of striving to hear the other, go to their battle stations preparing rebuttals so they can win the argument. Just when alliance is called for, they go for competition instead.

This is when you have to ask yourselves, “Are we partners trying to improve our bond, or are we opposing attorneys trying to win a case?” Attorneys don’t argue to find common ground and improve their bond; they argue to win. So when your spouse is making a point, and instead of listening you’re preparing your counterpoint, then you’ve got a problem. You may win the argument by out-talking your partner, but you’re losing your partner in the process, because your approach says, basically, “I’d rather prove I’m right than hear your concerns.”

Instead of rebutting, try reflecting with a simple “Let me get be sure I’ve got this right” statement. Then review of what your spouse just said. You may not agree, and you may have valid points to raise. But first, send your partner the message that she/he is important to you by hearing and reflecting. It diffuses tension, and invites cooperation instead of competition.

Care

Sounds idiotically simple, but it works. After hearing your partner out when he/she is angry or upset, it isn’t enough to just reflect, important as reflection is. You also have to communicate concern. After all, a voice mail can accurately record your message and play it back to you. Your spouse needs more. Try sending a message that says, in essence, “I may or may not agree with what you’re saying, but it does matter to me that you feel this way.”  Don’t cave in and agree just to keep the peace, because peace built on phoniness doesn’t stand a chance. But do make sure your spouse knows he/she matters.  When people feel heard and cared for, they’re much more open to productive discussion and negotiation.

Disagree without Dismissing

If you’ve developed the habit of saying “That’s ridiculous!” or “Gimme a break”, then go wash your mouth out with a bar of common sense. Nothing shuts down a conversation or a partner quicker than feeling dismissed. I’m a real believer in the concept of spouse-building, the idea being that I am commissioned by God to build up my partner in every way – physical, emotional, spiritual – and even my most heated conversations with her should reflect that goal. So no matter how strongly I may disagree with her, I’ve no right to insult her intelligence or integrity. If you partner feels angry, so be it, whether for good or poor reasons. But try to see that your partner never feels dismissed.

Hearing aids work, when utilized. If you’re experiencing ongoing tensions in the home you might see if one of these fits and, if it does, don’t hesitate to recycle it, because these devices actually improve, over time, with repeated use.