About That Mouth

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
-Proverbs 18:21

People who shoot their mouths off, then wonder why their relationships don’t work, are stupid. They may be any number of other things, but to my thinking, stupid tops
the list.

If that’s true of people in general, it’s doubly true of spouses. To marry is to commit yourself to the good of the person you’re joining. It’s a covenant giving both of you access to each other’s most private places and, along with that access, the ability to affect your partner like nobody else can.

That’s a great setup if you’re both acting in good faith, and plenty of us can testify to the amazing results when husbands and wives  build each other up, providing what may be the only place of safety their partner has in this fallen, often wretched world. Give someone a spouse who’s lover, friend, and cheerleader, and watch that someone conquer the world. Marriage, done right, works.

Done wrong, it can nearly kill you, or the marriage itself, or both. And a form of marital murder I often see comes from someone’s uncontrolled tongue.

Little Foxes, Big Bites

Over the past 29 years of working with couples in crisis, no one ever came into my office saying, “Our marriage suffers because one of us has a big, inconsiderate mouth.” It’s usually the overt sins – adultery, porn, chemical abuse – that bring folks in for help.

But so often, we find on closer examination that while the “big” sins have wreaked havoc, it’s also true that the drip-drip-drip of rude remarks, insults, or verbal harshness over the years has eroded the marriage, with terrible results.

The partner who’s been on the receiving end of the verbal mistreatment becomes indifferent and withdrawn, while the partner dishing it out has gaping emotional needs that won’t be met because, year after year, his or her mouth has been killing the other’s affection and interest.

Solomon said, “Let us take the little foxes that spoil the vine, because our vines have tender grapes.” (Song of Solomon2:15) Common sense tells us that when things are tender – like the feelings of a husband or wife – they need to be guarded. Of course, if your vines don’t mean much to you, then let the little foxes enjoy their meal, who cares?

But if you’re invested in those vines, then it makes little sense to sacrifice them to the foxes. Just as it makes no sense to sacrifice marital peace for the luxury of verbally lashing out, or cutting down, or inconsiderately venting, just because you’re used to doing it.

Because believe me, you’re not getting away with it. Some men and women assume their habit of cutting the other party down isn’t taking its toll because, after all, the other party is still there, so it must be OK.

Death by Tongue

What a person like that foolishly overlooks is the long term damage being done by a rude, unruly tongue. Intimacy dries up, communication is limited, trust is diminished, and the marriage, like a tired old body, gets sick easily and can go from guarded to critical status.

And all because of the tongue. James nailed it when it said that sucker can do more damage than most give it credit for, (James 3:6) and I think if more believers took his words seriously, fewer of them would be sitting in offices like mine, trying to resuscitate marriages that their own big mouths have torn down, brick by brick, word by word.

Funny how simple this all can be. If I say I love the person I’m joined to, and if I’ve committed myself to nurture that person throughout life, then one of the plainest, easiest ways I can do that is with my words. With one sentence I can heal or wound, energize or deflate.

Smart spouses inflate their partners. They want the person they’re joined with to be strong, fulfilled, vibrant. What they get in return makes what they gave look trivial, so it’s not only loving and morally right to watch your mouth. It’s also practical and smart.

The opposite of which is – duh. Smart people love in deeds and words. People who don’t wear the dunce cap, often without realizing it. And I hope that’s an accessory you and I won’t see when we look in the mirror tonight.