When someone is hungry for a father’s love, the Wolf knows. That may explain some of the horrors we’ve seen lately.
It’s becoming routine to hear of yet another spiritual leader exploiting his power to gain sexual pleasure, money, or subservience from people he’s supposed to shepherd.
Whether it’s the showman claiming to have received “words from the Lord” about people (though he actually gleaned those “revelations” from Facebook profiles) or the bully controlling his staff like a cult leader, or the predator luring victims into prayer sessions that become molestations, this isn’t just a man with a weakness. This is a wolf practicing evil.
“How could anyone do such a thing?” is a valid question, but it’s not the only one to raise. We could also ask, “What makes people susceptible to wolves?”
A VARIETY PACK
First. let’s remember all wolves are not the same. They operate in different ways, traveling with different packs.
There’s the Heretical Wolf, leading sheep into massive doctrinal errors. When Paul’s ministry in Ephesus was ending, he warned the Ephesian elders:
“I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them.” (Acts 20:29-30)
Then there’s the Greedy Wolf, manipulating sheep to give and give some more, assuring them God blesses their generosity when they sustain his celebrity lifestyle while struggling to pay their own bills.
Peter no doubt had them in mind when he wrote:
“By covetousness they will exploit you with deceptive words; for a long time their judgment has not been idle, and their destruction does not slumber.” (2 Peter 2:1-3)
Finally, there’s the Svengali Wolf, defined by Webster as “a person who manipulates or exerts excessive, often malicious control over another.”
Svengali is a character from the 1894 novel “Trilby,” about an evil hypnotist using his abilities to seduce the vulnerable, then satisfy his own ego and lust at their expense.
Let’s talk about him. He’s made his way into too many of our sanctuaries, and, as noted earlier, we’re heard about him in too many scandals.
We’ve met more than once, this Svengali and me. Each time, I thought he was Dad.
FINALLY LOVE?
I was 8 years old the first time, alone in a downtown theater. The man approaching me in the lobby was friendly, handsome, and very warm. He chatted me up, showing a fatherly interest I’d craved for years.
Eventually, he smiled and touched my shoulder. “Need to use the restroom, Son?”
I would have followed him off a cliff, much less to the Men’s Room. Finally, a grown man interested in me. Finally, the glow of being liked by a Dad. Finally love? How I hoped.
Within 30 minutes he’d molested me in the stall, warned me we’d both go to jail if I told, then disappeared.
I would spend the next 20 years trying to find him again, absurdly hoping this time we’d get it right. It’s no surprise, then, that a Dad mirage appeared to me through multiple sexual relations I had in my early teens with older men, always promising; never delivering.
It’s disturbing that later in life, I also found him in a Pastor’s suit. Having been born again at 16, I still craved an earthly father’s love and was susceptible to its counterfeit.
Especially when it came in the form of a Christian leader who I eventually served under for years, even as he humiliated, manipulated, overworked, and controlled me and so many others. He had charisma, and that strong personality people are so often drawn to, along with a scalpel-keen insight into our vulnerabilities. Most Svengalis have it.
More important, he was a father to those of us still looking for one. Now that we’d found him, we feared displeasing him, losing both him and his blessing. So when he abused, we stayed. Dad could get away with anything.
THE FATHERLESS AMONG US
Stories from around the country have broken lately about Christian leaders charged with the sexual or emotional abuse of their flock. They’re men of all ages, from many denominations and traditions. But their common element (according to their accusers) is all too familiar to me: They appeared to be the father their victims looked for – spiritual, wise, strong, and affectionately interested in them.
The abused often realize, in hindsight, how well he spotted their need for fathering, and what an inroad of control that gave him. He’d then see just how far that control could go.
So began the criticisms evolving into cruel public rebukes. Or the increasing demands of time and sacrifice. Or the undermining of a person’s confidence to think for himself. Or the evolution of physical affection between the Leader and the Led, from long hours alone to hugging, then kissing, then more. The “more” would, in many cases, continue for years.
My friends from healthier backgrounds say they can’t fathom how anyone could submit to that, or what drove them to stay with such a person.
But the Fatherless among us know. We could be controlled, not so much by Dad as by our craving for his approval.
Thus a Wolf comes to enjoy the fear, adulation, or even the very bodies of his prey. (I’m grateful that the man I served, abusive as he was, never tried molesting me, though he evidently violated others.)
The un-fathered are not to blame. But in their vulnerability, they can seem to wear “Potential Victim” name badges, visible only to Svengali’s on the prowl. As one pedophile warned in a chilling prison interview:
“If you Dads don’t love your sons, I’ll find them. I can spot an unloved boy a mile away.”
DAD STILL MATTERS
Of course, not everyone who tolerates a wolf’s domination suffers the same level of father-wounding others of us did, or still do. Some take it for a while because they’re hoping things will improve, or because they want to give their leader the benefit of the doubt.
That’s because there’s a natural, even healthy need for fathering from those in authority. We want our shepherds to lead well, and we want to trust them as they do. When it’s working properly, the authority invested in a Pastor yields beautiful fruit which all parties can enjoy.
Nor is there anything wrong with a Rev also wanting to be Dad. Paul made no bones about his paternal role with Timothy (I Timothy 1:2) or the Galatian church (Galatians 4:19) or the Corinthians. (I Corinthians 4:15) The horrendous thing about Wolves wearing the Dad mask is that they defile one the finest, most sacred of all relationships. The Good Dad uses his power to strengthen. The Wolf uses his to devour.
SO BAN THE WOLF, BE THE DAD
It’s not enough to rage against the Wolf without also doing something to protect the flock from him and let the true shepherds be the Dads we need.
To the end, let me offer 3 actions I wish we’d consider, then apply.
First, Protect All Parties With Policies
Many churches have no policy regulating where, when, or how one-on-one mentoring can take place. Valuable as such mentoring is, it’s also been a vehicle for too many tragedies.
When staff members are alone with parishioners in their homes, or talk alone with them in a parked car, or spend extended hours off site together, they set themselves and the church up for accusation. And when churches allow parishioners to be singled out for such one-on-one attention, they may set the sheep up for an unknown wolf’s advances. All parties are better protected when ministry policies are clear, applied to all, and grounded in Biblical common sense.
Second, Forewarned is Forearmed
Christians should be taught to expect communication more than contact when being ministered to. The Pastoral role is primarily to articulate Biblical truth, empathy, guidance, prayers, respect, and concern. Physical contact, though not wrong, is secondary. In most cases, it should also be minimal.
So because the Wolf is good at pretending his advances are lovingly appropriate, let’s not shy away from preparing our people with this warning:
“If anyone’s touch – be it friend, counselor, or minister – becomes uncomfortable, then believe your discomfort, say so, and stop it. And if in the course of ministry someone’s touch becomes erotic, run and cry wolf to whoever’s in authority.”
Third, Be the Dad.
James said visiting the fatherless is one form of pure, undefiled religion. (James 1:27) Surely, he meant literal orphans. But that doesn’t preclude us from recognizing the emotionally fatherless in our churches as well, who need the paternal love the Wolf pretends to offer.
The Fatherless need to be invited to our family gatherings, small groups, Bible studies and retreats. When they come, they also need to be met, welcomed, and encouraged to return. Someone needs to ask them out for coffee; someone else needs to ask how they’re doing and listen carefully to the answer.
In short, let’s not just protect our flock from potential wolves. Let’s be the Dads and Brother’s (or Mom’s and Sister’s) they didn’t have but still need. Let’s us – not just the Pastor or Staff Member – step up to the challenge of Body Ministry Paul wrote about in Romans 12:12-13. It worked then; it works now.
I should know. When I started going to church again in 1984, I came as a Fatherless Man in need. The men responded by making themselves available through prayer, friendship, and hearty counsel.
Psychologists might say they bolstered my ego strength and facilitated my resolution. But I think I have a better take on it, involving the work of the Holy Trinity itself:
My Father God called me to be healed by the Holy Spirit’s work through the members of His Son’s Body.
That’s how the I recovered from the Wolf and reclaimed my inheritance as My Father’s Son. It’s an ancient and winning formula.
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