“My Boyfriend Is Attracted to the Same Sex. Am I Wasting My Time?”

Her phone call was like so many others I’ve gotten from young women over the years. I answered her question by asking 7 of my own. Here they are:

1. “Is he now, or has he recently been, sexually active?”

If he’s sexually active now, he’s not ready to be anyone’s boyfriend. If he’s been active recently, let some time pass before making a commitment so you can feel confident in the direction his life is taking.

2. “Does he attend and participate in a Bible believing church?”

A man who’s spiritually grounded belongs to a church that he not only attends, but is also engaged with. Anyone can say he’s a believer. But a believer who’s not in fellowship lacks the community, and a commitment to the basics of the faith, that you should see in a potential husband.

3. “Does he show evidence of spiritual maturity?”

Would you know he’s a Christan by the way he behaves and expresses himself, or do you know it only because he identifies as one? If you have to look hard to see his relationship with Christ, that’s quite a red flag.

4. “Did he show a commitment to abstain from homosexual behavior before he became your boyfriend?”

A man wanting to “go straight” because he found a girlfriend is doing so for the wrong reason. The man who repents of homosexuality in response to God’s call has a better foundation and will be, in the long run, far more reliable.

5. “What steps has he already taken to deal with his sexual desires?”

If he takes his walk with God seriously, he’ll also take seriously his areas of weakness. Does he have accountability? Has he gotten some mentoring or counsel? How does he deal with temptations when they arise? The fact he has a struggle doesn’t mean he can’t be a worthy boyfriend. But if he’s doing nothing to manage it, that’s another matter.

6. “Does he have a physical (not just emotional) attraction to you?”

The fact he has attractions to men doesn’t disqualify him from a relationship with a woman, since most men wrestle with occasional attractions to someone other than their wife or girlfriend. But if he has no physical attraction to you, you may well be building a friendship that should not be mistaken for a courtship.

7. “Are you confident in his honesty?”

Think about the trustworthiness – or lack thereof – that he’s shown so far, by keeping his word and living consistently. As my wife says, “Every TRUST begins with TRU.” So before investing in a man who may become a mate, be sure you’re confident that he speaks truth, and walks in it as well. The stakes are too high for you to do anything less.

When God brings a man out of homosexuality, then into a Christ-centered marriage, it’s a beautiful proof of the Gospel. But it should be approached with all the wisdom and deliberation that’s due. Asking these questions can help.

They’re not the only ones that come up in these situations, of course. But they’re the ones I recommend a woman ask herself, and have satisfactory answers to, before taking such a relationship further. I’ve found them helpful. I hope someone reading this will find them helpful, too.